Read At Your Peril

long time no post

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 19:01:32 GMT

I saw someone recently with horrific self harm scars. This was not the only notable factor about her but the other must be considered irrelevant for the sake of this piece. It made me think about the current issues facing women and the body image debate. There are some that might have looked at her scars and thought her scars ugly, scary or intimidating. After all, we live in a society where a triple amputee war victim is taunted for his injuries.

I thought she was incredibly brave to show her scars like that. My scars paled in the face of hers really and yet, all of our scars mean the same. We have endured and found ways to cope. I suppose this is just another example of how beauty means different things to different people. Some may have found her scars disturbing, upsetting, attention seeking or ugly. I thought she was beautiful because she was, to me, an example of real beauty and strength. This real beauty isn’t something we see that often unless we look about us. But so many have their heads stuck in the latest Hollywood blockbuster or video game filled with busty women flaunting their perfect size 6 figures. Reality isn’t always conventional beauty or perfect hair and yet when we are faced with the ‘ugly side’ of reality, we flinch away. People that self harm are considered attention seeking. There is a lot of ambiguity that is attached to this phrase. It can be attention seeking in some ways and yes, as cruel as it sounds, there are some people that are doing JUST to get attention without fully understanding what it is they are doing.

When I started doing it, I didn’t even know what it was called really and when I did tell someone, they laughed at me. So I kept it private, no one saw what I did to my body, except me and no one knew what I was doing because I never mentioned it ever again. Self harming is a controversial subject really. I’ve had people who didn’t understand it and called me a coward. I’ve had people wince when I mention it and look away. Unless you’ve experienced it, I’m not sure people can truly sympathise or empathise. I did it because I hated myself, I hated the people around me and rather than take it out on them, I took it out on me. It was also a way of stopping myself from hurting inside, when I had cut myself, I was focused on that pain rather than the other pain I felt.

As a society, particularly as a British society, we are taught to hide our emotions. Although we are still more emotional than some Asian people who lose face if they show emotion or confront problems. Forgive me; I’m probably been over cynical and generalising too much. I find that I am so concerned about what other people think of me that I refrain from acting in a certain way. Part of this is linked to my fear about singing in front of anybody. I lose sight of the fact that I love singing more than anything and yet, I cannot share it with anybody for fear they will tell me I sound awful. And then on the other end of the spectrum are those who do not care a fig for what people think. For example, there was that girl in the newspaper, drunk, stumbling around with her knickers around her ankles. If that were me, I’d be horrified with myself and not go out the house for weeks. But then, I care too much about what people think to let myself get into that state anymore. It seems to be such a strange society now where we’ve not even sure what it means to be British anymore.

Back to the beginning anyway; there is a petition put forward by Shona Collins. The petition’s aim is to introduce a curriculum into school about body image. The woman that is trying to push this currently appears on How to Look Good Naked and whilst people might hate the programme or despise Gok Wan, you cannot help but admire what he is doing. Women need to love themselves and so few of us do. I self harmed out of hatred for my body and myself. No one ever told me that I was fine the way I was or that I was beautiful so I looked about me and saw these skinny stunning women and saw myself as inadequate. I think that young women need someone to tell them they are beautiful as they are. So much happens to girls during school, bullying, peer pressure and puberty. Insecurity affects all of us to a certain extent and if it doesn’t, count yourself lucky. I know it would have helped me to have some support when I was going through everything. Because of my low self esteem, my relationships with boyfriends have suffered. I’ve constantly doubted why they were with me when they could be with someone who was beautiful and skinny. Even now, I’m far too terrified to approach someone because of the fear of rejection. It cripples people whatever their age.

If you also feel passionately about this subject, please sign the petition and send it on to everybody you know, girls, boys, men, and women. We all suffer directly or indirectly from this. I believe there is a huge number of issues that can be prevented or helped if people were just a little more open, more comfortable and more reassuring about things. To cry means weakness and to express anger is being out of control. Nowadays women are admonished for a glass of wine at the end of an evening to help distress whilst some go out on 24 hour benders. Both sexes range from the stupidly skinny to the outrageously obese. We need to achieve a balance before we drive ourselves into the ground.

Anyway, here is the link if you feel strongly about it too and want to sign the petition.

http://petitions.number10.gov.uk/bodyconfidence/

update

Mon, 13 Aug 2007 22:58:57 GMT

Well.. its been a little while since I posted. Am not really sure what to say. I've been at work mostly or getting drunk and making a twat of myself. I miss having someone to talk to and kiss but I'm not sure if its Steve anymore. He is in Hong Kong atm and we've been emailing each other which is nice. I like someone at work but I can't tell if he likes me back or if it is just me been a rebound.

I feel quite down at the moment and I dont really know why. I've lost contact with friends and I dont understand what Ive done wrong because they dont have the guts to tell me. Maybe I haven't done anything wrong. Maybe they just dont like me. Not every one will.

It's my birthday soon and I'm really looking forward to it but I'm also stupidly nervous about it in case no one turns up and I'm all alone. Its silly I know but I guess these are my fears.

I just watched the postsecret video. i guess you can forget how many other people are out there suffering and feeling sad about things that they might think are small. everything is important. everyday is important. i know this sounds all profound but i guess its just something me and some friends were talking about today.

i'm fed up of being alone most of the time. i want someone to hold me and kiss me. i want someone to share my company with.

i'm going to try and come off my tablets in December as well. I dont want to be on them any longer than i have to and it frightens me to think I am dependent on them.

anyway, im going to read for a bit and then sleep.

love you all
Clare

a mess

Fri, 27 Jul 2007 16:58:46 GMT

There is so much going on in my head at the moment. Me and Steve are still apart and I haven't seen him in ages. I met someone on Tuesday and she is lovely and sweet but then I kissed someone on Wednesday who I like but I don't think he likes me as much. I wish my brain would shut up. I'm going out for a meal tonight which I'm really looking forward to :o) I need company to take my mind off things I think. Anyway, I'd best start getting ready.
Lots of love and hugs to you all..
Clare xxxx

poor apple tree

Fri, 20 Jul 2007 13:21:01 GMT

Our apple tree has fallen over and the river has burst its bank again. I've been trying to do some research for my dissertation but its make me a tad nervous because I'm sat in the house by myself and reading about possession, the Devil and exorcism. I'm working tonight, tomorrow evening where its a private party and 300 people are coming! AH! I'm also working Sunday during the day so lots of money for Clare. Which is a good thing because I've got to pay £480 for rent and deposit. I might go wander round the corner to see what the flooding is like because obviously I'm meant to be going into work later...
It's Jo's birthday next week so we're going down to Brighton which will be fun and then out for a meal on Friday. I'm looking forward to going out for a bit. Anywho...just thought I would update.
Lots of love and hugs,
Clare xx

ramble

Thu, 28 Jun 2007 16:13:09 GMT

Heylo,

I have been a bit of a busy bee but not much of one really...um....Right...since I last updated I have been working...
Saturday the 16th I think...I worked because there was a wedding but I had to be sent home because I wasn't very well. My stomach was so painful I couldn't even stand up. Eating made it worse. I got home, curled up on the sofa for a bit and then went to bed.
It was Father's day on Sunday and me and Emma had a huge fight. Grandpa came round and made some horrible comment about Meeko which upset Emma so I went upstairs and tried to sort it all out. We managed to come to a truce thankfully and things have been better since. Um..on Monday, Devro, Mum and I won the quiz at the Dog and Duck! Yay! Tuesday I think I have been down to Portsmouth to see Steve last Wednesday which was very nice. He took me out for dinner and then we went out for a drink. On Thursday we walked up into Commercial Road and he bought some new flip flops and I sorted my game out. Um...Thursday we also cooked a roast dinner and then wandered down to the arcades along the sea front. It was lovely to just spend time with him again. I came home Friday night and then went to Emily's party where I proceeded to get slightly tipsy. I then worked Saturday night and Sunday during the day.

Since then I've been writing and listening to the Lord of the Rings the Complele Recordings which I found. I bought the second one, it is fantastic. I can't wait for the third one to come out! Um...yes, as I mentioned I've been writing my fantasy story again. Its massive. I'm trying to write some of the stories surrounding the findings of the Swords as well so theres gonna be the big story and then twelve other ones, think I might only try and keep them short though.

I go on holiday next Saturday 7th of July with my Mum to Kefalonia. Hope you will all miss me! :o) I can't wait to get away from this miserable weather.

I have come to the conclusion that my playstation doesn't like new games so I'm gonna maybe ask for one for my birthday.

I don't think there is much more to say. I seem to be coping alright on the new antidepressant. I'm not getting quite so angry anymore. I'm sure its helping that I'm at home too and away from selfish people. Oh and I've also started my own little work out routine. Five - ten minutes on the rowing machine, 20 push ups, 20 sits up and any others I can think of.

Anyway I'm gonna get on with writing I think...let me know if you want to read it :o) I would greatly appreciate it!
Lots of love and hugs,
Clare xxxxx

Sat, 09 Jun 2007 22:58:00 GMT

Hello,
I am back at home. I have a job at the Dog and Duck pub. It was very busy last night and I was looking very flustered according to Devro! It was lovely though because the friends that were at the pub; Bridie, Devro, Freeman, Charlsey, Nikki and Alun all waited for me so I could sit with them at the end of my shift :o)

I have also applied for three other jobs but alas, no news yet :o(

I have been at home for three weeks now and its been lovely to just relax and get my head around things again. Mum thinks I repress things and I have to agree with her. Instead of getting angry at the people that piss me off, I stupidly say yes thats fine etc and let them get away with it. And then I turn around and shout at one person who loves me and I push him away and almost lose him. Steve and I's relationship is awful at the moment, we are a complete mess and have been since moving into that house. Granted he has done some stupid things but I've been worse. I've been aggressive which as most people know is not like me at all. I've gotten to the point where I will hit him and he has had to restrain me. I've had a bruised face from hitting the wall and a bruised elbow where he has had to restrain me or defend himself. I havent spoken of it because I'm embarrassed by it. However, it is possible that I have severe PMT which is what my Mum and Gran have both had to the point where they get stupidly aggressive. Anywho, I'm back on the Fluoxetine which calms me down :o) otherwise known as Prozac. Eek.

I'm glad to be away from Portsmouth and people that ignore me because I'm not living with them!! I just can't be bothered with it and its upsetting because I've lost a good friend through it.

I can't be bothered to type anymore, am very sleepy from playing Racketball today and also working a five hour shift last night!

I love most of you :o)
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Wed, 30 May 2007 16:17:25 GMT

Bonjourno,
I have finished my exams and have finished my second year of university. Its a tad scary.

I am going home this weekend which I'm looking forward to. Hopefully I'll have a job set up *fingers crossed*

Apparently some friends have decided to stop talking to me because I'm not living with them *sigh* didn't realise things were still going to be like this at university.

Kingdom Hospital is weird but good :o) me like.

Um...what else to say. Me and Steve have been having problems recently. We are trying to sort things...again...I want it to work. When we are happy together, its wonderful but then I'm so scared of things going wrong.

I have to give back the various items that I have hoarded over the last year.

Think that is all......
lots of love,
Clare xxx
xx

bleugh

Tue, 22 May 2007 19:50:18 GMT

Hello again...

I am feeling horrendously sorry for myself for reasons that I don't want to disclose. I need hugs though :o(

I have done one exam and am revising to do the next one which is on Thursday at 9 in the morning!!!!

I bought a lovely black dress today, a wonderful push up bra and a a nice pink halterneck summer top for my holiday with my Mum. I am off home this weekend which I am looking forward to. I am also going to a party with Kat Impey and then my parentals are dropping me back on Monday and taking some of my stuff with them.

I don't really have much else to do say. I feel miserable at the moment.

Clare
xx

read meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Sun, 13 May 2007 12:24:56 GMT

Why helllllloooo, I don't even think anybody reads this :o( nevermind
I had a good Friday night and Saturday day :o) went to Jojo's in Brighton. Harey and Chris were both there so it was lovely to see them both. We ate lots of food and I consumed an entire bottle of wine to myself but thankfully had no effect :o) I slept on a camp bed and passed out from sleepiness. Woke up on Saturday morning, had a shower and then we went to see Sunshine. It was fantastic. It was not what I expected. Cillian Murphy is fantastically wonderfully beautiful and if I wasnt with Steve, I would be his stalker :o)
The train home wasn't bad, went quite fast and before I knew it I was back at home with my Stevie who had cooked me Tikka Masala for dinner.

I spoke to my Mum and my Gran. My Gran was burgled on Friday. She is very shook up about it and I spoke to her for quite a while. Two men knocked on the door and said there was something wrong with the water and because, like me, my Grandad is very trusting he let them in. Long story short, they stole over £500 from my grandparents which was years of saving by my Gran. But yes, I told her that you never think these things will happen until they happen. You always hear about these things happening but never ever think its gonna happen to you until it does. And then you realise how stupid you were. It damages your trust so much. I had a dream last night about two women approaching us and saying they were police women but wouldn't show us I.D. Its horrible how much this is still affecting me :o(

On top of all this, I seem to have done something horribly wrong to offend my friends from last year. I walk in with them and they can barely be bothered to talk to me. I feel like an outsider. I can't think what I must have done though so its getting me down. Nevermind. Soon, if nothing gets sorted, then I guess we'll just drift apart. If they cant be bothered with me then why should I be bothered with them?

Ho Hum....what else....I've got lots of work to do...need to go and do it so I just love you and leave you...

Lots of love,
Clare xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

stuffy mcstuff stuff

Fri, 04 May 2007 22:32:01 GMT

hello,
my weekend has all been changed :o( I was meant to be staying with Jojo and seeing Kat but because Kat's nan is ill, we aren't going. Its better that Kat is there for her nan though :o) just hope she gets better, she was always lovely to me.
I should be going to stay with Jojo next weekend when Devro goes down, means I have company on the train plus get to see the big fluffy man again!

Anywho, I have acquired the radio one live lounge album and its great. Makes me happy. All acoustic-y and relaxing. Tomorrow is Steve and I's eighteen month anniversary! craziness!! I know it probably is less than that that we've actually been out. But its eighteen months since we met and yes it sounds cheesy but I knew I wanted to be with him when I first met him back when he was the boy who stared and I was the quiet blonde :o)

I helped out a rugby tournament yesterday. Spent all day in the sun and helped Laura (one of the rugby girls) set up two pitches for the tournament and then kept score. For her course, she's organised a scheme so that girls in the Portsmouth area in the age group 11-16 can start to play Rugby at an earlier age. I also watched Steve coach and ref a couple of tag rugby matches. It made me so proud of him!!! The little kids playing them are good already! They can side step and dodge and their passes are quite good. I think its excellant and I'm gonna try and do the course for it next year along with a first aid course.

My work is going alright at the moment, I feel a bit like a slacker because I haven't got much to do really. A 3000 word essay on surrealism and postmodernism in Blue Velvet. My dissertation proposal which is fine because I've done quite a bit work for it and I love what I'm writing about. And then I've got two exams, one of which I'm technically revising for through my essay because I'm writing about postmodernism and also the neo-Victorian novel.

OH! I watched The Exorcist last night. I understand why it was banned and the cut version is even worse! I found it truly minging. The spider walk down the stairs was bad enough. And then the scene with the crucifix is one of the grossest scenes in the world...not as bad as in The Isle though!! Fish-hooks...I will say no more!! I do watch some weird films. I think its starting to affect my brain!! Hehe!

Um...what else to say. I've taken to having naps in the afternoon in true student style. I have lots of films to watch as well. Oh...and if you are bored and reading this, wanna help me with thoughts for my dissertation? What role do you think Christianity and Catholicism have in horror films? Why do you find exorcisms, demons, representations of hell frightening? And if you don't, then why not? It will help me get my thoughts together. The films I'm looking at are:
Silent Hill
Hellraisers films
The Exorcist films
The Omen
The Devil's Adovocate
Vampires
The Sin Eater
-if you can think of anymore then let me know...thank youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

Hope you all are well and enjoying the sun!!
Lots of love and hugs,
Clare xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

busy weekend

Mon, 30 Apr 2007 11:50:15 GMT

Hello,
I went home for the weekend and it was lovely. The train journey down was pants, was sat by the radiator on the train from Guildford to Wokingham and I melted. But when I got home I made a sandwich and Meeko came to see me! Friday night I was meant to go out with Emma but because I didn't have my passport on me, the bitch of a bouncer wouldn't let me in :o( even though I had the paper part of my driving license since the other one was pinched by the twats in Spain :o(
On Saturday I woke up at 11 all refreshed and awake, it was looovely and with Meeko sat on my floor. I also phoned up about my Visa card and I have a new one on its way as well as a new E111 card so that I can go on holiday with my Mum in July. She's taking me to Kefalonia!!! Its very exciting! On Saturday night I went to see Thin Lizzy, Styx and Deep Purple at Wembley. All three bands were brilliant! It was a very good night apart from the fact that I had a panic attack and Mum had to calm me down :o( I guess being mugged as affected me quite a bit! I was tucked up in bed by half twelve. Had a fight with Steve because he was drunk and I was grouchy.
On Sunday, my Mum and Dad and Emu drove me back to Portsmouth with a trip to Chichester. It was very nice and Dad bought me some herb mixture stuff from a wonderful shop called Oil and Vinegar. They also bought me some of the DVD's I need for me dissertation; the Prophecy, Rosemary's Baby and The Ninth Gate. So I am going to do some work today on my essay for American Independent Cinema and then go and watch one of those. I also have the Exorcist the Beginning and Exorcism of Emily Rose on its way. Its very exciting.
Oh and yesterday for Steve's birthday, I bought him tickets to go and see the Ataris. They were quite good live and we got to meet the lead singer afterwards and so we have our tickets signed and a picture with him. So all in all a good birthday present. Which reminds me, his actual birthday was Thursday and I took him out for a meal and then we went to play pool with Kate and Chris and Oli. Even though i invited quite a few people, only those three turned up which I thought was a bit mean but nevermind. He had a nice time :o)
I'm meant to be going to Liquid Envy tonight but I can't be arsed. It's a night club and I hate nightclubs plus I don't want to spend that much money or make the effort of getting all dressed up. I'm in a lazy fat mood. I've put on weight as well, I'm now 9st which isn't that bad I guess. I might be going to train with Portsmouth ladies tomorrow so that will make me feel better even if they are lots bigger than me :o(
Hm...what else to say...oh yes, Kat is coming to stay this Friday which is exciting and then we're going to visit Jo in Brighton because I've been saying I will go and I haven't yet!
I can't wait to move out of this house, fed up of messy lazy housemates, its really pissing me off. The kitchen is a tip, its disgusting. Everytime I use the toilet or wander around downstairs I think of when it was last cleaned. I only hoovered a week ago and yet its gross. AHGHGHGHHHHHHH!
Right, time to do some work! Hope everyone is alright, lots of love and hugs,
Clare xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

ramble

Tue, 24 Apr 2007 15:10:45 GMT

Hello,

I'm tired and my brain doesn't want to work properly. I'm tired all the time at the moment, it sucks. I keep having horrible dreams as well. I've had two now where Steve runs off and its dark and I can't find him or he's really abusive to me. I had one last night where the rugby girls and my sister were at my house and started shouting and throwing things at me.

I'm fed up of being made to feel like I'm a bad person and that I've done something to upset people but when I think about it, I haven't. I'm so sick of bitchy people who don't actually tell you what you've done, they just ignore you because they think they're above you but really, when they do that, they're so far below. I know there will forever be people like in this in my life and I will never have the courage to say anything to their face. I can't wait to move out of this house and have people to talk to. Olimpia is back which has made me feel better because she is there for me and talks to me. I don't understand why some people base friendship on how much they can get out of a relationship. It's not how friends work. If I love my friend for their personality, because they make me laugh, cheer me up, support me, don't get mad at me if I haven't seen them for a while, then I'll do anything they ask to make them feel better and just so they know that I'm there for them. I guess for me because I've tried to be a selfless person for friends, I don't understand how people only put effort in when they can be bothered and they can just randomly ignore people or get upset with them. I know it shouldnt bother me but it does. Its pathetic. Rrarr I'm angry at the moment. I'm so glad that I have people like Devro, Sar, Ali, Jo, my rugby girls etc who are there for me whenever, even if I don't see them for like a month or two, if I need them, they would be there.

I think I'm having a pondering journal today :o) I miss my Mum. I can't wait to see her and Dad and Meeko and Emma on Friday. I haven't seen them since before Spain and my Mum's hugs are the best in the world. They make me feel safe and at the moment, that's what I want above everything else. To be secure. I'm feeling vunerable.

Anywho, I've decided what to do for my dissertation. Religion in horror movies. I'm very excited about it!!! However, it means I have to watch the Exorcist, the Omen, Stigmata (which I watched yesterday and is awesome!). I just wanna get it figured in my head what exactly I'm writing. I need to research a bit into religions. Like with Stigmata, it portrayed the Church as corrupt because they wouldn't accept this new gospel that was found. But yeh, I'm gonna also look at the Wicker Man, Hellraiser, maybe briefly at Event Horizon because they go to hell in it...so if I start talking to about religion and horror, please humour me, I just wanna know what people think about its role.

My ezcema is really bad and I can't stop scratching. I think its because I'm feeling stressed. Grrrr.

Gonna try and do some writing now.
I love you all, you are special to me in some way and you should know because I tell you so or I say thank you...

Lots of love and hugs to those that deserve it,
Clare xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

stuff

Fri, 20 Apr 2007 18:38:27 GMT

I am feeling sad. I feel like I'm back at school again and I can't do anything right. My only company in the house is Steve and he's been doing a lot of work plus I don't like relying on him for everything. I know you could say I could leave the house and go see other people but sometimes it would just be nice to have someone to sit down and watch a film with without all the effort of going to someone's house and organising it. I'm fed up.

I feel like me and Sam aren't friends anymore which, considering how well we got on last year, is sad. I know this is partly my fault because I'm rubbish at going to see people. I feel like I might be exaggerating things but I really don't know. I'm finding it really difficult to convince myself I am a good friend etc. It doesn't help that I've got this horrible little voice in my head that brings me down all the time. Whatever I do, its there criticising me.

GRRRR!

Tour 2007

Sun, 15 Apr 2007 11:53:51 GMT

Hi,
I'm back from Tour in Lloret de Mar and I have to say that it has in fact been one of the worst weeks of my life. There were good moments of course but on Wednesday night, I was mugged and my purse was stolen. It was a horrible experience and it has left me more nervous than ever. Steve and I fought every single day and it is partially his fault like it all happened in the first place because he ran off in a mood down a side street and I had to follow him.

Besides that the nights out were OK, getting to know the rugby girls was nice and I spent a lot of time with both Sam's and Sophie, Sarah, Foshy etc. On the Tuesday that we got there, we went for a wander around. Came back, had dinner, I really don't know how people manage to ruin food so successfully!! Tuesday night we went out to Moby's, it was a free bar. The music was quite good.

Wednesday, I played Rugby and I got my first bleeding injury of a little scratch that looked like a smiley face!! I then ate 2 burgers. In the evening we went out dressed as mimes and then I was mugged. Two Spanish blokes pretended to be police men and because the uni was threatened with expulsion from Tour because of the Hockey and Footballers being twats, I did not want to piss them off even further. However when they didn't show their I.D's I knew I should have just tried to go. They put me against the wall and 'searched me' and then after taking off my bag saying that I couldn't have it on whilst they searched me, they then ran off with it. Steve managed to get my bag back after running after them. We then had to go to the police and give them details etc. I am still in shock that it happened because you never think that these things will happen to you. There were a lot of attacks by local Spaniards on uni students, someone had his face stamped on. There were 2 rapes I think. Basically, I am glad to be home.

The rest of the week was a bit pants really, I was nervous wherever I was. Steve was a horrible drunk and mean. I slapped him at one point and he kicked me off the bed so I fell on my arm and I now have a bruise.
Anywho, I'm going to sleep for a bit, will update more later.
Lots of love,
Clare

yyyyyyyyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Sun, 08 Apr 2007 12:59:05 GMT

SONATA ARCTICA HAVE A NEW ALBUM OUT CALLED UNIA *jumps around in pure happiness and excitement*

Home and back again

Sun, 08 Apr 2007 12:08:31 GMT

Hello,
Since my last post I have been home and come back again. I was only meant to be at home until Tuesday but because Steve said he could give me a lift home I was there till Friday and it was lovely. OnFriday night I went to the Dog and Duck, New Rose and Gig House with Kat, Jo, Emily and Arty. It was a really nice night except that somehow I managed to get horrendously drunk and was ill :oS oops...
On Saturday, despite feeling a tad rough, I went into Reading with my Mum and got some things for tour and generally wandered around. I then came home and helped my Dad make a Paella which was looooooveeeellly. We then to the Dog and Duck to see Emma who has now got a job there.
On Sunday, my grandparents from Ascot came round for dinner so I helped Mum clean the house up and then went to pick my lap top up from Steve's. Dinner was really nice, roast dinners at home are sooo good! I then started playing Theme Hospital :o) I know I'm sad really but thats why you love me.
On Monday, I went to Kat's new house in Bracknell :oP with Jo, it was fun. We ate so much food, talked lots and played on Silent Hill 4: The Room which is spooky. In the evening we had a Chinese form the Haka in Bracknell, delivered because we are lazy. We then played a game of I Have Never which resulted in Arty confessing he had done anal because he wasn't listening to the rules. It was amusing. Emily also came over in the evening and it was nice to see her.
Then on Tuesday, I spent the day with Steve and stayed at his in the evening. On the following day we went to see 300 which was full of burly men and half naked bodies...what more can you ask for? I've also finished my cinema report...thank you very much to everybody that completed my little survey, it has helped immensely!
Thursday was Mum's day off so we went into Wokingham and I bought some new tops and a pair of sunglasses. Also cashed my cheque from my landlord. I then went and got my hair done so its back to being pink and black with blonde on top. It makes me happy because it is a quirky hairstyle much like me :o)
Friday was a bit shit, waiting around for Steve to come and pick me up which he didn't until 10pm at night. I wasn't impressed. Mum and Dad went up to Sheffield and then on to the Lake District where they are spending this weekend. Dad has taken the PG tips monkey with him because we keep putting him in stupid places. I opened my door and Monkey fell on me, I got into bed and Monkey was already there. I put Monkey in Dad's beer and then put him on the side with a piece of brocholi (??) in his mouth. It was amusing...
Having gotten back to Portsmouth late on Friday, I collapsed into bed and woke up Saturday. Steve, his friend Garth and I, went into Commercial Road and got some more things for tour and then Steve and I bought our dinner, came home, ate and played Lego Star Wars II. :o)
So yes, I'm also thinking about coming off the antidepressants in the summer which won't be easy because the withdrawal symptoms are really nasty.
Right, today, I'm going to finish my cinema report and maybe try and print it off tomorrow and see if I can hand it in. Not sure if Wiltshire will be open but tis worth a try I guess. Tomorrow I am going on tour to Spain. 26 hours on a coach...yay....and then a free bar when I get there! Also I'm playing Rugby 7's while I'm over there. I am looking forward to it.
Anywho, I hope everyone is well and enjoying their Easter. Lots of love and hugs,
Clare xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Enter Shikari

Thu, 29 Mar 2007 10:19:13 GMT

Hello,
I went to see Enter Shikari last night and have never been so sweaty at a gig before. I hadn't heard much of them and I wasn't sure what to expect but it was awesome! For those that don't know they are like trance/drum and bass mixed with nu-metal. I was right at the front being pushed and shoved and jumping around with my little glow stick.
I have also handed in all my work for my course and am off home tomorrow which I'm really looking forward to! I get to see Mum, Dad, Meeko and Emma. Plus I'm meeting up with Kat Impey, Jo and Emily for a drink which will be nice.
Um...what else have I been up to? I've been to my lectures like a good little girl. I'm watching a film called Blue Velvet which apparently is a bit perverted.
Also went to Isie's dinner which was nice, I had a nice time and got a little tipsy. The Lullaby cocktail has to be one of the best in the world.
On Sunday, Steve cooked me a roast dinner which was lovely and then, once I finished my essay, we went to the arcades where I won him a piglet!! Hehe. He wasn't too impressed that out of all the things to win, I won him a pink teddy bear :o)
Anywho, I need to get dressed and go to dress code to see if they'll take these trainers from me.
Lots of love,
Clare xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
p.s. thank you to everybody from home that did my survey, its going to help me lots and lots.

Thu, 15 Mar 2007 19:48:20 GMT

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
I'm in a grumpy mood. I had to give in and clean the bathroom and hoover everywhere because people aren't sticking to the rota and I'm really sick of it! I can't wait to move out and live with Xaviera, Sophie and Debbie. It's going to be so much nicer than this shitty shitty house with lazy housemates.
I've had a bladder infection since Saturday which has been horrible and painful. I saw a really shitty bastard doctor who was rude and completely unhelpful. I then saw my normal doctor today and she was a bit more helpful.
I went to Rugby training yesterday, it was hard work because it was hot and we did lots of fitness. I also hurt my shoulder from tackling Foshy and then Kat tackled me really hard. I did score a really funny try though. Xaviera tried to tackle me and I carried on going until someone grabbed my legs and I sat down but managed to score a try as well :o) it was impressive and funny all at the same time!
Me and Steve had a fight yesterday which resulted in him storming off...again...*sigh*
I cried down the phone to my Mum which she doesn't like but I was feeling really alone and sad. I then went out to the Union, it was OK. Me and Steve talked about things. I have lovely friends there, Sam talked to me lots and Sophie cheered me up again.
Today...I woke up. I had a shower. I went to the doctors and then bleached most of the bathroom which was satisfying.
I'm now sat by myself, I might watch something. I don't know what. I bought Pan's Labyrinth yesterday, it was a special edition one. It was exciting.
Ho hum.
I have a lecture tomorrow...followed by a CRM seminar and then maybe me and Steve might actually spend some time together :o( probably going to watch Steve play Rugby on Saturday. On Sunday my Mum and Dad are coming to see me which will be lovely. I miss my Mum, nobody gives hugs like my Mum does.
I should do something productive and useful...
Lots of love and hugs,
Clare xxx

Sun, 11 Mar 2007 16:42:23 GMT

EIGHT lasts.
8. last time you kissed someone: today, twas my Stevie
7. last beverage: cranberry juice, damn UTI's
6. last phone call: from Joy asking me if I was going out
5. last text message: from Gemmel telling me that he is coming down
4. last cd played: unforgettable Love Songs
3. last BUBBLE bath: i really cant remember. when I went home a couple of weeks ago, twas wunbderbar
2. last time you cried: yesterday, me and Steve were fighting and I felt home sick
1. last time you danced: this morning, by doing a silly dance where I wiggled my bum

SEVEN have you's.
7. have you ever dated someone twice? yeeh
6. have you ever been cheated on? not as far as I know
5. have you ever kissed someone & regretted it? um yeh
4. have you ever thought you had fallen in love? indeeeeedly
3. have you ever lost someone special? yes
2. have you ever been depressed? yes, it sucks
1. have you ever been drunk and thrown up? several times, its very unpretty

SIX favourite people to talk to (in no particular order):
1. my Mum
2. my Dad
3. Steve
4. Samwise
5. Devrrro
6. Meeko :o)

FIVE things you did in the past three days:
5. watched Rugby
4. eaten Pizza
3. watched 'The L Word'
2. snuggled with Steve
1. worn my new Rugby hoodie!!

FOUR places you have been on vacation:
1. Greece
2. USA
3. Venice
4. France

List THREE favourite colors.
3. Purple
2. Blue
1. White

List TWO things you love to do.
2. Sleep
1. Sing

This month have you...
- Fallen out of love: no
- Laughed until you cried: think so
- Let someone change your life: Steve, influence upon my self harming
- Found out who your true friends were: sort of

Right, I'm watching England play France and I want the score to stay how it is even though there is still thirty minutes late. But its not going to, France have a penalty. Bastards. Grrr.
I have (thinks) my fifth bladder infection in about six months. I'm in a large amount of pain and I'm feeling sorry for myself.
Hm. I got my Rugby hoodie! It has my name on it, League Champions and Women's Rugby on the back! Its exciting.
I'm going to get some Cranberry and Evening Primrose Oil capsules. Then it might help my ezcema as well as helping prevent further bladder infections. YAY *is hopeful*
anywho...am going to carry on watching la rugby...
Hope everyone is well and happy,
lots of love,
Clare
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Dolly Mixture are tasty

Wed, 07 Mar 2007 16:30:05 GMT

Hello,
So yes...i'm sat by myself watching Thirteen Ghosts...I know its not a horrendously scary but it is a bit jumpy and gross.
What else have I been up to? um...lectures...and such...stupid nine o clock lectures which i fall asleep in.
I got paid £5 yesterday for taking part in a psychology test. easy money! and no, a psychology test is not slang for 'I became a sex object for five minutes' since i know what some of you lot are like.
Training and my both were both cancelled because of the rain and waterlogged pitches *cries*
I have decided what to do for my dissertation. I am going to do it about horror film and its progression since its beginning. That means I can also look censorship, foreign horror films, video game adaptation (like Silent Hill), book to film adaptation and the audience structures and why they might be this. I'm excited about it!!! I've also started writing my English essay but using a guide on how to write essays so that I get m structure right.
Next weekend, the weekend of the 18th, it is Mother's Day and Gemmel is staying the night before he goes off on a little cruise for his 21st. I am also going to take him out for a drink to celebrate... Mum and Dad are coming down as well which will be nice :o)
I need some new trainers because the backs are falling apart which means that the plastic is coming through and it hurts :o(
I'm off out tonight so hopefully I won't get too drunk and I'll have a nice night and not feel sad or left out. I know I need to be positive, I just find it so hard when I get let down or something upsets me or doesn't go right. I start to feel like no one would actually notice if I was here or not. I haven't self harmed since last week which I know isn't a great amount of time but Steve put things into perspective for me last week. He threatened to hurt himself, it makes me realise how horrible it must be to see someone you love do that.
Oh my, Shaun the Sheep has his own programme! How great is that!!! Anywho, I'm gonna go and hopefully get on with some work!
Hope everyone is well,
lots of love and hugs to you all,
Clare xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
p.s. Matt is a CUNT!!!!!!!!! If I could get away with murder, I probably would!

gr

Sat, 03 Mar 2007 20:01:30 GMT

i'm a fuck up who cant even be a good friend or girlfriend

rugby

Thu, 01 Mar 2007 12:03:41 GMT

Helloo,
Despite the shittiness of the past couple of days and the utter pants that is my relationship, I'm in a good mood.

Right. Tuesday night was rubbish, me and Steve had a massive fight. I have a bruise on my bum from where he pushed me off the bed and I fell on his tuck box. I have lovely cuts on my arms from my frustration. Only got 5 hours sleep which, if you know me well enough, you know I can't survive with. However, like a good girl I got up at ten to eight for a nine o clock lecture. I then met up with Xaviera and Sophie and we went to Boots to get some lunch before going to the Union to meet the rest of the girls. We left at about half eleven and drove to Winchester. I sat at the top of the bus right at the front and it was very strange! Like being on a rollercoaster but not as fun or fast :oS

We got to Winchester and went straight out, warmed up in the hail and rain and began the match. I played for Winchester because they didnt have enough players. Even though I'm only a fresher and I've only played for about six months, I could tell some of them didnt know what they were doing. Every time they got the ball it was like bees to honey, they didn't go up in a flat line of defense. It made me angry. Anywho, because it was Rugby 10's, the halves were fifteen minutes each. I played as a winger for the first half and as second row for the second half. I had to put my head between people's bottoms and push. My shoulders are feeling it today!!! Portsmouth won - 57 - 7 it was fantastic. I was brave and had my shower too even though I was scared about people seeing my body and so i did kept my knickers on because I'm not that brave!!!

At about half four we made our way home and I went back to talk to Steve which resulted in another horrible argument. Sophie, X and Debbie came round with Lambrini and pizza. They are my housemates next year and I'm really looking forward to it because they are all wonderful people. We then got a taxi to Lloyds where I consumed a glass of wine and so feeling slightly tipsy I tottered towards Fuzzy Duck, had a shot there, went to Bar Me and...drank a VK cherry there...AND then went to the Old Vic where they did the Man of the Match and Dick of the Day......I was given Man of the Match for how far they think I've come in rugby since joining. It made me very happy. However, the dirty pint was bloody disgusting. It had gravy granules and custard in it!! Inpressively I was not sick. I had a long chat with Laura and Sam on the stairs and then we went to the Union. Yes we queue jumped, it helped that I knew the people behind us...well I recognised them from my course. It cost £4 to get into the Union!!! Obscene! I decided to only drink water because its free and so had three pints. Talked to some of the Rugby boys and then at about one, I went home. Had another big fight with Steve which resulted in him going to Garth's. We're fine now. *sigh* all this drama, its so silly.

Anywho, I have a viewing session to go to soon and a kitchen to clean. I've been up since 9 and I've been to get my nipple bar changed because there was something wrong with the other. So thats all sorted. Need to make sure I go and see a nurse soon because i need more pills. And YAY its my period today or tomorrow :o( I'm played against Southampton on Saturday. Right, best be off.
Hope everyone is well,
lots of love,
Clare xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
p.s. Kingdom Hospital is one of the strangest programmes ever and I love it!!!

ello

Tue, 27 Feb 2007 16:57:19 GMT

Bleh
I've had an alright day despite having a nine oclock start and missing my seminar because i'm a lazy arse. Kelly has lent me some DVD's to keep me entertained which is nice. But Olimpia has annoyed me by just storming off again and not telling me what is wrong. I feel like its my fault and its really shitty. Isie is sad and theres nothing I can do to make her feel better because it can only come with time. I feel useless at the moment. Sam isn't very happy either. I feel like a really shitty friend :o(
I have a rugby match tomorrow and I know its silly but the boys intimidate me and make me feel like i'm back at school and waiting to be picked on :o( and i hate it.
I did some work at the library yesterday for the first time since i came to uni! Yay go me and the headstarts!
Oh I went to Pam's wedding party on Saturday, proceeded to take advantage of the free bar with Isie's help and spoke to Rick who I haven't spoken to since leaving Hungry. I met his wife and they're such a beautifully sweet couple. Me and Isie stumbled home and ate olives whilst watching the L Word. I passed out from tiredness.
Hm. I think I might watch an episode of the L Word and then go downstairs with mein lap top and watch trashy TV.
Lots of love and hugs,
Clare xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
p.s. I'm COLD in my soggy and damp room - send me hugs!!!!!!

over a week...i think

Wed, 21 Feb 2007 16:25:04 GMT

Hello all those who read this...
You remember I said I wasn't going to get that drunk at pub golf...it didn't work. I ended up so unbelievably plastered. I was trying to keep up with everybody else. Managed to stay under par. By the eighth pub I couldn't see straight and can barely remember it. URGH. It was horrible. Steve and Olimpia were looking after me when I got home, apparently it took them ages to get me out of the toilet. I had a bruise on my nose from the toilet seat falling on me. Oh its so very shameful really. Steve put me to bed, I woke up at half six and went to see him. Fell asleep. Woke up, was sick a couple more times, went to sleep again, woke up at three and then became a coach potato and ate chinese.

Um...Thursday...I went to my viewing session and watched Easy Rider. It was a good film until the end when it made me sad. I got some results back: Usa Film and Culture - 58% but he's marked me down to 40% because apparently it had no textual analysis which is did. 54% for science ficion but he marked me down 6 marks for referencing. I need to go and talk to Van Norris, the guy who marked my essay for Usa. I also need to start thinking about my dissertation - ARGH. I might do something to do with censorship.

I went home on Saturday because me and Steven went to see Wasps play at High Wycome. I bought a shirt which I owe Steve for. It was £40 and its only size 7-8 years!! hehe. However I have put on weight *grumble* but my boobs seem a bit bigger because of it which is nice. Me and Steve are ok at the moment *touch wood* I'm just finding it really hard to concentrate on things at the moment because lots of little things are really getting to me.

We had a meeting with the landlord yesterday so hopefully things will start getting underway. I wanted to punch him he was so arrogant and tried to place the blame on everybody else.

I'm feeling alright at the moment. Just a bit...bored and weird...and I wish I could concentrate on my work properly because I really want to do well.

Anyway, its an Ugly Betty dress up tonight - yay. I really wish something would happen to get my self esteem up and stop me hating myself. I know i'm pretty sometimes but I just wish sometimes things would happen to make me really believe that other people see it...that sounds arrogant...

Hope everyone is well.
Lots of love,
Clare xxxxxxx

Tue, 13 Feb 2007 17:11:09 GMT

*waves*
I'm not really sure what to say. I am watching Lost...its a bit good but Sawyer annoys me sometimes. He is silly. Kate is also silly.

I am going out tonight, it is Xaviera's birthday pub golf tonight. I will probably be very drunk but alas, as I long as I am not sick and can make it to my lecture tomorrow at NINE O CLOCK IN THE MORNING!!!!! then all is well with me.

I'm still not feeling wonderful about myself. I don't know how to make that better though. I feel flatchested and uninteresting most of the time. I also feel very poor at the moment. However, I'm feeling positive again at the moment.

Um.
University has started again. My timetable is a tad pants. Although it does mean I can recover on Thursday mornings as I don't start until threeeeeeeeeee. Also got a result back today...54% for my exam for English which means I've got a solid 2.2 for it last semester. I just hope my film essays are alright, I'm very worried about them :o(

I went home for the weekend and it was lovely apart from the train journey which instead of an hour and a half, took me four! Mum cooked me a roast dinner, we went out for dinner at a Mexican restaurant and it was also lovely. Emma was her nice self again. Meeko woke me up at half seven by sitting on my chest and looking at me. It was very cute.

I came home...Rugby was cancelled because of a waterlogged pitch but we had a tour meeting instead. Also sorted out the hoodies which is exciting. A rugby guy called me a bitch on the forums which has bothered me :o(

Right...I am going to watch this episode of Lost then cook dinner, get ready in my stupid stupid outfit...I'm going to be cold in shorts!
Hope everyone who reads this is well. Lots of love and hugs,
Clare xxxx